The Weather Bureau in Winter

Note to the weather bureau: it’s not a friggin’ emergency.

Every day lately I look at the weather forecast at weather.com or accuweather.com and see the same stupid thing: WEATHER ALARM!! WEATHER ADVISORY!!! Most often one pushes the little alarm button to find that there’s a 20% chance of a snow flurry, or that the temperature at night will be 10F degrees. I guess in Atlanta, such a thing might be a catastrophe. But this is Chicago. We don’t worry about such things here.

So here’s another note to the friggin’ weather bureau: it’s WINTER, stupid.

The other night we had a blizzard warning that was totally without merit. A blizzard is when the winds are hurricane force and there is snow or some other frozen something being blown around with such intensity that you can’t see your glasses on your nose. What we had the other night was a couple of snow showers with no wind. Even if the winds that had been forecast had materialized, they would not have been strong enough to merit a blizzard warning. “Blowing and drifting snow,” maybe. But a “blizzard” is not a snow flurry with someone breathing on it.

Now the friggin’ weather bureau is trying to scare us with the fact that the temperatures will be well below zero for much of the next 48 hours. Meantime, they totally missed the snowstorm that hit us last night and this morning (which was far more substantial than the “blizzard”), probably because they were so busy warning us about the temperatures.

Note to the friggin’ weather bureau: Again, it’s winter. It’s cold. Read this statement s-l-o-w-l-y.

Also please note: a wind chill is not an actual temperature. No one can even agree on what it is. The formula actually got changed a few years ago, remember? So stop reporting it as if it were hard and cold fact. The only fact here is that a lot of idiots in the public recite wind chills as if they were actual temperatures, and the rest of us are sick of listening to it. The whole wind chill thing is just an exaggeration of actual reality. Re-read the word “exaggeration,” weather bureau, and then read on.

Here’s another note for you weather bureau jackasses to consider: look up the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf, and read it until you can understand it. If you can’t, have your mommies read it to you and explain it. It’s kind of important to understand that if you keep crying “wolf,” sooner or later no one is going to believe you except for the comprehension-cases who keep reciting the wind chills as actual temperatures.

While you’re at it, why don’t you unplug your friggin’ computers and just stick your noses out the window? Gosh! There’s actual FREAKING WEATHER out there and quite often it has nothing to do with your forecasts.

Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it’s because Mother Nature isn’t much into hyperbole most of the time?

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