I have the answer!

Tim Tebow was born in 1929 (nope!  see the last sentence in this paragraph for an update) and is now the oldest quarterback in the collegiate ranks!  Why must he have been born before 1930?  Read this.   (1/31/10 update — Tim is even older than I thought.  Turns out that the total abortion ban in the Philippines has been in effect since 1870!)

Yep, that kid must be pushing 140 for sure.  Either that, or judging from the way it sounds, his mom and some doctor in the Philippines may be looking at a jail sentence for even thinking about aborting him.

Now, wasn’t there something in the Ten Commandments that said, “thou shall not bear false witness…?”  I thought so.  Looks like Tim’s mom had better re-read that sometime soon.  Meantime, if she’d like to stop by and pick up her Stupid of the Day Award…but no.  She’d have to share that with CBS and Focus on the Family.  I don’t have enough room here for all the stupid.

Mandation: Sarah Palin’s State of…umm…

(Following is an excerpt of the State of the Union(?) speech from Teabagger shadow President Sarah Palin. *)

*I made stuff up

Fellow real Americans in small towns, family values, the Constitution which we hold dear has family values just like you, and thanks for buying my book!  This year we defeated Russia because Putin reared his head in my backyard talking to my neighbor and you know, it was like he was in my backyard and I could see him across a lake or he was in my air space or something so I told him to skedaddle home!  Just like with healthcare, I would have had to abort Trig because of the death panels.  Alaska did not have a death panel it was only to save taxpayer money, just like George Washington signed the Declaration of Independence or the Bill of Rights which is in the Declaration or something.  It was a mandation from Washington that did it.  I got real mad because Katie Couric has no self-confidence and asked me what I read to make herself feel better!  So I told her I read lots of stuff, I like everything.  But she’s so elitist I could just tell she has no self-confidence.  So I just want her to stop makin’ stuff up or God will get her like he got New Orleans for sinnin’ and stuff.

Real pockets of real pro-Americans live on farms in little towns.  That is not a mandation from Washington.  You do it because you enjoy freedom and family values and our great history.  I have the courage and honor of thanking our veterans who are fighting Iraq in Afghanistan.

That’s why I make all my speeches on Fox News.  They hired me because I know all about this stuff.  I flew over Canada a few times, you know!  Obama was born there or in someplace else where they wear stuff on their heads and are anti-American (editor’s note: see what we wish had been Obama’s real SotU here).  We’d be better off being nice to Afghanistan because they’re our neighbor.

I’m a real American and they wouldn’t let me be President so I could be the only real American in Washington and run the Senate, you betcha.  I would have gotten in with all those Senators and stuff and made life better for real Americans, like healthcare which is needed for a good economy.  No need to change anything!  We need smaller government so we can stop interfering with corporations and our freedom which we hold dear and independently and don’t need spending and taxes.  We don’t need government in our lives, we need stuff that doesn’t need intervention.

So next year I am going to pray to God that we have America and family values even after that black Muslim guy is in office and the Supreme Court.  The Statue of Liberty has 25 windows and I know why cuz I Googled it you betcha.  That’s how I went to college and got my journalism degree would have been Miss Alaska except for that black girl and quit my governor job because I have family values and value freedom and work hard every day.  No lame ducks around my house!  Have you seen my husband?

I like the idea of a Queen of England, just like Queen Ester, since England is a state in New England and everyone knows women are freer if they have less rights to abortion and contraception and stuff.  But I haven’t decided yet.  Everyone pray real hard and send me money for campaign funds for real Americans.  See ya next year you betcha!

Mrs. Palin is the first recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Stupid of the Day Award.

Welcome to U.S.A. Inc., and…South Carolina

I’m going to start by telling you the good thing about the Supreme Court ruling that corporations can dump unlimited money on political campaigns: it will finally bring out into the open, via disclosure laws*, which politicians are owned by which corporations.  What has been happening somewhat surreptitiously all along (unless one wanted to take the time to dig a bit) will suddenly become crystal clear to even the most blinkered teabagger and the haziest left-winger: This obese candidate brought to you by the multinational Extreme Sugar and Fat Food Company!  This “jobs American’s won’t do” President bought and paid for by the Flimsy Excuse Corporation that shipped the most U.S. jobs abroad!  And lookit that piece of really sucky legislation that lets Kill-it Inc. cut down a few million acres of a national park forest, pave it over, and build an amusement park/condo development — you know, half of Congress literally owed them that!

The other piece of good news is that we can do something about it.  Corporations keep forgetting that they exist, usually, because people buy the things they sell.  Refusing to buy the things they sell kinda sucks from their viewpoint.  And so they can dump all the millions into the campaigns they want, and rig the voting machines and even threaten workers who do not vote the “right” way, but if we decide their government sucks, all we need to do is stop buying the wares of whatever corporation dumped the most money into the most sucky politicians.  It’s a whole new way to vote.

Other than that, though, the ruling just plain sucks.  I don’t even have to detail why.  It’s like a train wreck.  You can glance at it, or even just hear about it, and you know it sucks.  Some things suck like that.

Take South Carolina, for instance.

Now, I admit that a year ago I was embarrassed to be living in Illinois — but that was only because of Rod Blagojevich and Roland Burris.  Big deal.  One is on his way to trial now, having been impeached and removed from office.  The other is disgraced, his political career at an end as of the next election.

Oh, pity.  Too bad for both of them that they are not South Carolina Republicans.  Neither would feel the sting of disgrace, let alone be forced from office and into a courtroom.

The latest from this political dirt pit of the South, of course, is the theory of their lieutenant governor that if you stop feeding the poor (stray animals) they will stop reproducing.  Of course his defense (and it seems to be enough for a Republican) is to claim that he did not say that — just before he says it again.

Ah, the joys of being a Republican in Wingnutland.  You become the public-servant equivalent of Rush Limbaugh: you can say or do whatever you goddamn well please and no one can touch you!

Just like, come to think of it, the Supreme Court!

So to both entities, I give an entire week’s worth of Stupid of the Day awards.  Take a bow, jerk-offs.

*Later update: I have learned since that there are no applicable disclosure laws.

Quite simply the best post I’ve ever read about Sarah Palin. Period.

It’s here.  (Click on “here” for the link….well maybe not, or maybe so.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.)

It’s not only a brilliant analysis of the disaster that almost was, but also of the 60,000,000 or so who voted for the McCain/Palin (or Palin/McCain) ticket, and of the Repug party, McCain himself, the Democrats, and almost everything else that happened in 2008…and since, for that matter.

I have to add that unless there is some dramatic turnaround, I am no longer worrying about Palin ever becoming President.  Even some of the slack-jaws at Fox News seem to be taking pot-shots at her — no surprise is that the megalomaniac Glenn Beck is among them.  And that brings me to the point:

Glenn Beck quite inadvertently highlighted the lie that Palin told us when she complained about how meeeeaaaaan Katie Couric was to ask that damn “gotcha” question: what do you read?  (What?  Pit-Bull Barbie is afraid of a lil’ ol question?)  Couric didn’t get much of an answer, possibly because there isn’t much of an answer.  Ditto for Beck when he asked Palin who her favorite founding father was.  She just sat there like a deer in headlights, hedging for several moments about liking them all before settling on George Washington, who technically wasn’t among them.

I’m sure she has cried “gotcha question” about that by now, but heck…when even the Teabag Network is asking simple questions that you can’t answer, Honey, then you’d better start looking in the mirror for the problem and stop whining about everyone else.  And the problem here is that Palin is dumb.  Just plain dumb.  She has lived her whole life depending on being a pretty girl and a nasty little bully, but as Bush showed us, in the end it’s not enough to make a good President (although I admit he may have done better if he’d had even a shred of the “pretty girl” part).  No amount of plastic surgery is going to cover up the fact that Palin’s brain is largely nonfunctional, and neither is being nasty and whiny whenever her feelings get hurt — which is, by the way, something that happens quite a lot to Presidents.

It’s time to give it up, but I wager she won’t.  And so the possibility of her running for President still looms.  She is, after all, firmly associated with a group of broadcasters — Beck, Hannity, Coulter, the Fat Man, Weiner, and others — who are apparently the only people in the U.S. who have complete freedom of speech.  The Fat Man in particular has routinely said a lot of things that have ended the careers of other broadcasters who were dumb enough to say the same things — and he’s still there, puffing away on both ends on the radio, totally untouched.  A classic bully.  Just like Palin, only she’s not as good at it yet. 

With Palin once in a while the barbs hit some skin, and as I said, her skin is notoriously flimsy.  Doubt it?  Then ask her which is her favorite article of the Bill of Rights, or something like that, and let us know what her reaction is once she gets past the glassy-stare part.  Then listen very closely to what she says about you later.  This is a woman who will never get past the notion that being pretty and squeaking “pro life” and “faimlee values” and babbling about God in a cutesy, horrendous accent are enough to make a good President.  And you can betcha she gets damn angry –  no AINgree — whenever anyone exposes the truth.

Because Palin is so dumb, someone recently pointed out that if she actually ran for President the event would be a source of endless comedy.  I agree.  And I also now agree that there’s no way she’d be elected without a Teabag army threatening everyone who entered the polls.  Not that that couldn’t happen, but it probably won’t.

So I’m no longer terribly worried about her doing any real damage.  But am I annoyed?  Yes — but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.  To get to the bottom of that one, I guess I’d have to understand why McCain put her on his Presidential ticket, and there seems to be no answer for that at all.

Things last week taught me

Here’s what I learned from various aspects of far-out wingnutland last week:

(1) The most important idea of the Bible is that slaves should not rebel against their masters (P. Robertson).  So you get earthquake.

(2) The Vatican obviously believes that it’s okay to worship statues, but not nature.  Even if Avatar has absolutely nothing to do with either of those.  So you get headache.

(3) George Washington was a Founding Father (S. Palin).  Actually he did not sign the Declaration of Independence, though, so the case can be made that he was not a Founding Father and/or that his was the only name Wingnut Barbie could think of offhand.  So you get stupid.

(3a) Glenn Beck is remarkably creepy (my notion, which is the only one in this list that happens to be true).  So you get the willies.

(4) Obama caused the Haitian earthquake so he could use it as a political tool (Fat Man).  So you get…well, see above.  (This notion is too creepy for words…but then again, the Fat Man is often like that.)

(5) Blagojevich claims he was born a poor black boy, for which he apologizes even though it was an obvious, ridiculous lie, and then calls a woman the “c” word, which he won’t apologize for.  So you get asshole.

Yes they all qualify for a Stupid of the Day award, and a few have been awarded that distinction, but heck..that’s enough for one week.  In fact, at the rate it’s going, I’m very much afraid that 2010 may overflow with Stupid and at some point I may be handing out awards every friggin’ day. 

So I’ll put the brakes on right now and just call it another week in paradise.

Memo to Robertson: Stupid Doesn’t Help

Yes, I’ve heard the horrible news about the giant earthquake and destruction in Haiti. Let me say I am not unaffected by it.  Anyone who isn’t affected hasn’t a heart.

Which leads us to Pat Robertson, who is not only missing his heart, but apparently also his brain.

I heard him mumble something on a video clip rebroadcast by Media Matters.  I can’t say I quite understood what he was mumbling.  It sounded something like Haiti being punished because slaves rebelled against their owners…you know, a pact with the devil.

Yes, that was it.  Absolute nonsense.

It’s the sort of nonsense that would take volumes to discuss, and I have neither the time nor the patience.  So I’ll leave it at this: stupid doesn’t do anyone any good.  Neither does Pat Robertson.  I’d award him another Stupid of the Day, but he doesn’t even deserve that.  He is beneath contempt.

Pat Robertson, if you aren’t Satan himself, you’re damn close.  Go to hell and meet your maker there.  Enough.

As for those of us who have functioning brains as well as hearts, we know what we need to do (and it’s what Jesus would have done!).  It isn’t listening to a mumbling devil.  It’s doing the best we can with what is available to us.  Let’s do all we can for Haiti.

Help Haiti

And because Robertson wasn’t the only one to go beyond stupid about this monumental tragedy, here’s Jon Stewart to set us straight:

Daily Show


Below Zero

It’s said that once you hit bottom, there’s no place to go but up — or you could restate that as “start from zero.”  But when you enter Rod Blagojevich into that equation, for the first time negative numbers seem entirely possible.  Unfortunately, while this may be a fair allegory for a confused math student, it’s good for very little else.

Anyway, here’s what happens when you hit bottom and somehow manage to keep on sinking: Blags is now apologizing, but not really, for saying that he grew up blacker than “this guy” Barack Obama (you know, “this guy” who stole Blags’ ticket to the White House)…or something like that.  And he’s reiterating his great love for the people of Illinois.  As I’ve said before, we wish the thrill were gone because we don’t love him back.  Period. 

(On that note, here’s a gem from today’s WGN Chicago Breaking News site at http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2010/01/blagojevich-im-blacker-than-barack-obama.html?obref=obinsite:

Say what you will about the Esquire interview, but there’s no mistaking that in Blagojevich’s mind, he truly is innocent.  Adam  and the rest of the former governor’s legal team have said they have no problem with Blagojevich proclaiming his innocence and shouting his version of truth from the rooftop.

 “They stole me away from the people of Illinois,” he told the magazine. “Now that’s the truth, OK?”

Jeff Coen and Stacy St. Clair

To which I add that whoever the thieves are, I thank them.)

Back to Blags’ continuous gaffes, I understand he also referred to Lisa Madigan, Illinois Attorney General (who has managed to avoid scandal and thus, still has a political career, quite like Obama and quite unlike Blagojevich) as a…starts with C ,ends with T.  I don’t believe he even half-heartedly apologized for that, and no surprise that nothing much has been said about it.  After all, misogyny is more okay than racism.

The basic truth that all this illustrates is that in Illinois we wish that Blag’s career would simply turn out to be the trailblazer for one Sarah Palin, who now seems to be descending, albeit with irritating slowness, into the same Jerry Springer-type abyss — and that somehow their careers in negative numbers will become both an example and a lesson for all who follow. 

Alas, the U.S. now has an entire political party made up of crazy people — the Teabaggers — and crazy is almost passing for normal these days.  This does nothing but help Sarah, who has long since learned to babble free-floating right-wing catchphrases and grin vapidly while the muttonheads applaud; this has even led her to a new career as a Fox News commentator.  It does nothing at all for Blags, who is stuck in the ’70’s and can’t seem to mumble anything but a jumble of civil rights slogans that obviously mean nothing to him.  That means he is not the right kind of crazy, because teabaggers think that stuff is socialist/communist/Nazist/whateverist.  And so there is no bounce-back for him and he’s hurtling into the bottomless pit much faster than Palin.  I mean, she got a big job as a commentator and all he got was a precarious gig on a reality show.  Dang.

Anyway, to Blags I give the Stupid of the Day Award.  Take a bow, asshole.  It will be the last thing you win for a long time.