A World of Their Own

For several days I’ve been intending to write a little piece about right (and left) wing vocabulary.  But today I thought, “nah.”  It’s just a symptom of a larger illness, after all, since both sides tend to stretch word meanings to their limit, albeit in opposite directions.

In my view, any extreme is an extreme.  Big deal.  And so, instead of dissecting language, I’ve decided instead to build a fantasy world in which Sarah Palin and her minions have their dream country (to get the “left wing” view on this one, just turn almost everything in the opposite direction).

And so, here is Paradise:

The “civics test” is reinstated in the voting process.  For sure, nobody who doesn’t speak English can pass it.  But neither can most Teabaggers….which brings us to the issue of the Electoral College.

It was equally desirable, that the immediate election should be made by men most capable of analyzing the qualities adapted to the station, and acting under circumstances favorable to deliberation, and to a judicious combination of all the reasons and inducements which were proper to govern their choice. A small number of persons, selected by their fellow-citizens from the general mass, will be most likely to possess the information and discernment requisite to such complicated investigations. It was also peculiarly desirable to afford as little opportunity as possible to tumult and disorder. This evil was not least to be dreaded in the election of a magistrate, who was to have so important an agency in the administration of the government as the President of the United States. But the precautions which have been so happily concerted in the system under consideration, promise an effectual security against this mischief.

–Alexander Hamilton (taken from http://www.historycentral.com/elections/Electoralcollgewhy.html)

Yes, sports fans, that’s why the Electoral College was created — to keep a President from being elected solely by a bunch of buffoons who can’t speak English…kind of like the Teabaggers.

The Electoral College was also created to give smaller states a somewhat equal voice in national elections to larger, more populated states, but this bit of creative math is lost on me.

So anyway, back to that civics test…why?  I’ll take a guess: because Teabaggers are programmed to support ideas that are bad for them.

Which brings us to many other aspects of Paradise, starting with a total ban on even thinking about abortion, so complete and ubiquitous that even some women who have had innocuous D&C’s insist that the word “abortion” get whited out on their medical records, not that it should have been there in the first place.  (While D&C is a term that, prior to the legalization of abortion, was used by respectable doctors and women to keep illegality out of their medical records, a D&C is not necessarily for the purpose of abortion…and whiteout on medical records is, by the way, not allowed.  Period.  I know; I used to be a medical transcriptionist.)

HIPAA does not apply to women.

Viagra is available OTC, but contraception is unobtainable.

Rape is always the woman’s fault.

Because of an increase in incest births, there are a lot more mentally-challenged babies than there were.  But these are not covered by private health insurance, which almost no one can afford except through their employer.  And more and more employers are dropping health insurance, or charging huge premiums for it.

Jobs are shipped to China and elsewhere so Americans can sit home not doing the work they don’t want to do, and trying to pay for others to do it even though they have no income.

News is true only if it comes from Fox.  Because of this, most Americans don’t even know where the Middle East is, let alone anywhere else in the world.

It is mandated that everyone own a gun.  This is to make them free.

Houses cost approximately 50 times the average annual income and there is either too much credit or none at all.  All of this is based on nonexistent money.  This is okay because the banks are happy and award their executives millions of dollars in bonuses.

American schools teach Creationism, setting us a couple of centuries behind in science and making us the laughingstock of the developed world.  Children are instructed in the use of prayer instead of test tubes.  Use of even adult stem cells ceases because…well, you know, they’re called STEM CELLS and nobody really knows who they came from.  Could be a laboratory where they dissect babies.  But DNA is okay if it convicts an Islamic terrorist.  Otherwise they use it to implant tracking devices in your head.

Are you sitting there saying, “huh?” at the last paragraph?  You’re not alone.  But I know people who think like that, and they are both right and left wing.

Any reference to mentally-challenged people as “retarded” is okay as long as the Fat Man, Weiner, the Pit Bull and a few others are the ones doing the name-calling.  Anyone else has to apologize repeatedly and then resign from their job.  If they have one.

Radio and TV are totally owned by huge multinational corporations that choose what they want us to hear and see.

There are no taxes, and no services either.  You take care of others after natural disasters, provide your own electricity and drinking water and transportation, etc.

There are no food-safety standards.

Immigrants are imported by the millions to “do jobs Americans won’t do,” then are treated like slaves.

There is no Social Security or Medicare.

Women are barred from the workforce and owning property.  Except for Phyllis Schlafly, Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin and a precious few others.

You don’t dare offend any woman mentioned above, let alone Limbaugh, Weiner, Fox News.  (For instance you don’t dare mention that in early 2010, Sarah Palin looks only vaguely like she did when she was running for Vice President in 2008.  In fact, one might think she were someone else except that the gibberish coming out of her mouth sounds strangely familiar.)

Americans live in small towns.  Big cities are abandoned except by all those damn immigrants.

Americans are free to….what?  You aren’t allowed to speak.  You can’t work.  There’s no information available.  There is no government to do anything but fight wars.

Ah, Paradise.

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