An Interview with President-Elect Palin

Author’s note: this never happened.  God willing, it will never happen.  And before anyone gets furious, look up the word p-a-r-o-d-y.  This is what you are seeing here.

ME: During the campaign we heard very little about your energy policy.  Can you bring us up to speed?

PALIN: Well all I’m gonna say is that in this great country we have lots of natural resources for drillin and stuff.  We know we don’t need to worry about oil spills because Obama causes them and anyway there’s all those microby things that eat the oil for you so why do we worry?  It’s because of the liberal media.  I say drill baby drill, and spill baby spill!

ME: So we just drill and spill and that will solve all our energy problems?

PALIN: You betcha!  You gotta keep those little microbe thingies fed so a spill is no problem.  You know, this is what they say in South America, you know, in Texas, that this is good for free market and jobs and stuff.  No more need for those Middle-Eastern guys!

ME:  Um…okay.  Let’s talk about the economy.

PALIN: Well you know that the Democrats just wrecked it with all that socialism.

*pause*

ME: Yes?

PALIN: It’s oblivious that we have to do what is good for jobs and helping corporations and heathcare, which is good for the economy, and not this socialist stuff.  We have to make people freer to carry guns and, you know, get hospital care when they get shot.  Nobody telling you what to do!  You can carry a gun anywhere.  A free market lets us do that.  With socialism they tell you that you can’t have guns.

ME: Why are guns so important?

PALIN: They take them to Afghanistan, you know, our soldiers do, so they can shoot people because they get so out of line there and they don’t like us because we’re better militarily and we have strong family values.  That’s what keeps a nation together.  We need guns to keep us free from the government.

ME:  So you need a gun to protect you from yourself?

PALIN: (just stares)

ME: Let’s talk about your education.

PALIN: (flaring) Well I HAVE one.  These liberals are so STUPID.  They think I don’t have an education.  I studied journalism.

ME: Do you have a degree?

PALIN: Well of course I took college courses and I read stuff.

ME:  Okay…um…okay…let’s talk about the environment.

PALIN: What about it?

ME: What do you intend to do about pollution and global warming?

PALIN: We have to do what is best for our free market and or economy.  Global warming…well I’m not too understanding of it, you know?  I think most people are.  I don’t think there’s global warming or anything.  It’s cold up there in Alaska!  We’d know it if it wasn’t cold.

ME: Well, let’s change the subject entirely.  There is some concern that you may resign from your Presidency halfway through…

PALIN: (interrupting) That’s nonsense.  I intend to stay from my coronation day until I get crowned…I mean my crowning achievement.

ME: Your crowning achievement?

PALIN: To lead all the real Americans out of this terrible mess that Obama created with all the sinnin’ and Muslim stuff.  You know, the wars and the economy and all that.  You know us Mama Grizzlies are so worried about the future of my 4 children.

ME:  Real Americans?  Who are they?

PALIN:  MY Americans.  Not those other people who live in cities and the liberal media and want healthcare and environmental stuff.  I have a map of the Washington D.C. rail system that tells me what line not to take so I won’t have to look at those other people.  My kids will have Secret Service guys with them so they won’t be around those other people.

ME: You got that from Glenn Beck, right?

PALIN: Well, Glenn Beck’s a great American and he’s like the Statue of Liberty and you know, it was just parody.  I’m gonna have the Law Department get him out of jail for that gold-fraud thingie.  That was just some liberals who didn’t like him so they made up all these stories.  You know, that socialist-commie healthcare stuff: he made lots of money so they have to do mean stuff to him.  It’s the free market!  Don’t you want freedom?

ME: What?

PALIN: Oh, you know!  Now that I’m President I forgot what I was saying.

ME: (deliberates for a second) Wait a minute, a while back you said you have FOUR children?

PALIN:  Yeah, (counts on fingers)…oh I forgot.

ME: So anyway, you’re only the President of a minority of Americans?

PALIN: Oh, I’m the President of ALL Americans, you know, the people in small towns who have real values and work hard and don’t want to pay taxes that go to who-knows-what like education.

ME: Well, that’s obvious.  Let’s talk about your inauguration again…you called it a coronation?

PALIN: um..inauguration?  I thought I got a crown from the Supreme Court judge guys.  That’s a coronation!  I know that because I was in beauty pageants.

ME: It’s called an inauguration and you don’t get a crown, but you do get to swear on a Bible.

PALIN: Oh I do that all the time! (winks)

ME: Can I ask about the 24 gowns you ordered for the Inaugural Ball?

PALIN: That’s ridiculous!  I only ordered one.  The other 24 are for if the first one breaks.  It was all paid for by donations and the liberal lamestream media has such an agenda and can’t stop talking about things, you know, like they keep violating my freedom of speech that’s in the Constitution.

ME: (shakes head and sighs) You do know that it was designed by a French designer — Jean Paul Gaultier.  And it’s made out of white bread.

PALIN: (laughs)  Well I had to go to the East Coast, you know, because the West Coast illeftists are too racy for a President-type look.  Didn’t wanna be all plastic-surgery-ee and boob jobby.  Do like the 4-inch heels though!

ME: Um….isn’t it customary for most First Ladies and Presidents to wear clothes by U.S. designers as often as possible?

PALIN: Isn’t he American?  I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

ME: Right.  On to other things.  What is your concept of governance?

PALIN: Excuse me?

ME: Um…let’s just ask what you think the President’s role is?

PALIN: Well to look over stuff and make sure things are done, like telling the Senate and Congress to stop being so liberally and goofy and the Department of Law to stop making things up just because they feel like it.  They shouldn’t be in government.  And I’ll outlaw abortion and get them to stop legislating morality.  You can’t make people be nice to people!  And I’ll make the media stop being mean to me.  And we can’t have taxes for anything.  There are too many taxes and Obama made more taxes.

ME: If we don’t have taxes, who pays your salary and who will pay for all those Secret Service guys for your children?

PALIN: (long silence)  I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

ME:  What’s the Department of Law?

PALIN: You know, lawyers and stuff who judge things.

ME: (big sigh)  Let’s change the subject.  What are you going to do about the war in Afghanistan?

PALIN: Well I’ll have to get back to you on that one.  I think we can’t rule out bombing Pakistan and Iran and Iraq, and the country of Africa, you know, we have to do that too.

ME:  Do what?

PALIN: Well those people, you know, they have wars and stuff and then we have Putin rearing his head all over the place like I saw in Alaska and we just have to shoo the Russians out of our front yards and stuff, and then there’s the Chinese who are there, and all my kids doing stuff.  It’s a mess.

ME: (sighing) Let’s talk about the North American Free Trade Agreement.  Would you abolish it?

PALIN: Well no, because we can’t let states success out of the union!

ME: No, this was an agreement with Mexico and Canada.

PALIN: Well there you have it, two states that want to success the union and we can’t let them.

ME: Okay, let’s change the subject…some people say you left your position as Governor of Alaska because of looming scandals.  Are you concerned that this may become an issue during your Presidency?

PALIN: No.  The Department of Law will get rid of it for me so I can do the important things like being Mama Grizzly to the country, you know, the pit bull with lipstick.  We need a strong tough hockey mom who knows right from left and doesn’t think about anything.

ME: How do you see the United States in four years?

PALIN: Well we’ll be right and God fearing and God will give us money and the terrorists, we’ll be safe from them and we’ll be a shining beckon to the world except the terrorist guys.

ME: Okay…let’s talk about shorter-term plans.  You’re meeting with the Queen of England next month.  What are your plans for that visit?

PALIN: Well I think we’ll compare crowns.  (laughs)  And we’ll probably go shopping or something, you know, just girl stuff.

ME:  (taking a big deep breath) Let’s talk about your Vice President.

PALIN: Oh, my good friend Michelle!  She’s having the White House fumigated, you know, because those people just moved out.

ME: Yes.  Some people are concerned about her sanity.

PALIN: Well that’s just the liberal media again.  I mean, how did that hopey changey thing work for them?  It didn’t work better than no hopey changey.  So they’re all mad and calling poor Michelle crazy.  Well, I’ll show you crazy!

ME:  I’ll bet you will.  Thank you, Ms. President.

PALIN: That’s Mrs., you betcha!  (winks)

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