An Interview with Trump*

*I made shit up**
**The sad part is that I didn’t have to make a lot of this shit up

Me: This office is all gold like pee-pee…jeez, why did I say that?

Trump:  There was no pee-pee!  I don’t like pee-pee!  I just shit all the time!

Kelly: (sinks into a chair in the corner; drops his head into his hands and groans softly)

Me:  So how’s your wall going?

Trump:  It’s the most beautiful wall I’ve ever seen.  Really.  The best in the whole history of the world.

Me: So it exists? (Trump nods) Who paid for it?  They should get their money back because people are still getting over the border, right?

Trump:  Mexico.  (I shake my head)  They’ll pay.  They keep sending rapists and murderers, so I had to do something.

Me:  Rapists and murderers?  Just like the Republican party?

Trump: (looks startled, then stares blankly at something over my shoulder)

Me:  Have you returned the kids to their parents yet?

Trump: I have the best brain.  (points at his head)  No toadstools!  It’s the bigliest!

Me: What?  (silence; sensing this is getting nowhere, I change the subject)  So what’s all this business with Russia?

Trump: Putin’s a nice guy! He told me I was great. I barely know him. I met him once. Russia is our great friend. He was the coffee boy, I think.

Me: Ivanka was seen hanging out with Putin’s girlfriend…

Trump: I have the biggest brain.  (points at his head)

Me: What do you think about Manafort flipping?

Trump: Covfefe. (wags finger at my notes) Delete that.  I never said that.  Who?

Me: One of the coffee boys in your campaign?  Manafort?

Trump: He was only with the campaign a few days.  I didn’t know him.  He didn’t have anything to do with Pence.  Donald Trump wanted Christie but he hired Pence.  I fired Comey so he would stop investigating Russia.  It made the Russian ambassador happy.  No wait.  Delete that.  I didn’t say that.  Fake news!  Comey was terrible.  The FBI hated him, so I got rid of him.  I didn’t fire him because of Russia.  There was no collusion.  The FBI is terrible.  There was no collusion.  The investigation is fake.

Me: Huh?  What brought all that up?

Trump: I used to sell vodka.  It was the bestliest vodka in the…Me:  We were talking about all the coffee boys in your campaign.

Trump: There were a lot of them. I didn’t know them. I think there was a guy named Flynn.

Me: Yeah, he flipped too.

Trump: Very disloyal. I knew him for years. I never saw him before. I don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s fake news from the fake news people.  They’re failing.  I’m very rich.

Me: There have been several reports that you were never actually a billionaire.

Trump:  Fake news from losers!

Me:  There are also some reports that you weren’t actually elected President.

Trump: We investigated that!  Fake news!

Me: Yes, but you were investigating supposed “voter fraud” and you stopped the investigation when it started to look like your election was fake.

Trump: No, that’s because we couldn’t find any voter fraud because of Hillary.  Obama hid it.  Russia never did anything.  There was no collusion.  It’s all fake news.

Me: So Hillary imported a lot of fake voters so that she could lose?

Trump: (nods) I have the best words.  I went to the best schools.  (points at his head)

Me: Okay, what do you think about Cohen flipping?

Trump: Third-rate lawyer! I didn’t know him very well. Very disloyal. It’s all lies and fabrications because I’m famous.

I don’t want to answer any questions about Russia.  There was no collusion.

Me: Collusion isn’t what your administration is being investigated for, because it isn’t a crime.

Trump:  There was no collusion!  Fake news from the failing news media!  I couldn’t help it if my campaign kept meeting with Russians.  They didn’t do anything wrong!  Everybody does that!

I don’t want to answer any questions about Russia.

Me: You don’t even want to talk about Mueller?

Trump: It’s a fake investigation into fake lies.  There was no collusion.  I don’t know who he is. Maybe he was the coffee boy. I’m the president! I want my lawyer Sessions to fire him, but he won’t do it. Disloyal! Stupid southerner!  I only hire the best people!  I came here to drain the swamp!

Me: How about the chaos in your administration?

Trump: Fake news! The administration is running like a well-oiled Ford Pinto.

Me: Yeah, it’s on fire…

Trump: I hire the best people.  Look at Betsy.  Lots of money in that family.  Her brother’s great.  He had nothing to do with the Seychelles meeting.  I don’t even know about it.  Ben Carson is the best person.  He’s smart, real smart.  My EPA guy hates the environment because it’s bad for business.  Smart guy!  I like him.  It’s the best administration in history.  No other administration has done anything.  The economy is way up.  Lincoln said so.

All over the country I have yuge rallies.  YUGE!

Me: How do you think you’re helping the economy?  Ford just came out and said that your tariff war has cost them millions, and farmers are enraged over the loss of soybean sales overseas.

Trump: They’re losers!  I was over in Germany and they make great cars. But they don’t make them in America and I don’t like their boss so I put a tariff on them, just like I won’t let Puerto Rico into the union because I don’t like their mayor.  Germany is bad!  We pay too much for NATO, no fair!  And I baled the farmers out.  Did you read my book? I’m great at deals!

Me:  Her name is Merkel and she’s the Chancellor, not the boss.  Wait a minute…did you just say you talk to Lincoln?

Trump: He sits on the sofa in the Oval Office and tweaks my ear.  Really rude guy, a loser.  But I’m just as great as he is.  He said my speech was better than the Gettysburger.

Oh, by the way, they have the most beautiful chocolate cake in the world at Gettysburger.

Me: Some psychic said that’s Kennedy lounging on the sofa and one of the Roosevelts tweaking your ear, and they keep telling you to quit.  But anyway…why are you promoting a dying industry, coal, when most new jobs in energy are in renewable resources?

Trump: That’s a yuge lie. Coal is going to make America great again. They buy my hats.  We can run out of wind and sunlight and birds can die from it. I have created more jobs than any president in the history of the world.  And I never start a fight with anyone in order to affect the stock market so my friends can make money.  Fake news!

Me (shaking head): Yes you do…wait a minute…birds?  Birds can also die from flying into skyscrapers too, you know…

Trump: (shrugs) Did I show you Ivanka? I’d date her if she wasn’t my daughter…(chuckles)

Me: Huh? Um…okay…didn’t she get a bunch of Chinese trademarks for her own business after she visited there on state business?

Trump: I always think bigly. I have a great brain. I have the best words.  The Chinese love me.

Me: Uh-huh.  What’s going on with you and Justin Trudeau?

Trump: I’m the best president in the history of the world. I guess he’s jealous.  He doesn’t want to meet with me.

Me: The Canadian government says no such meeting was requested.

Trump: (fidgets) I don’t cheat at golf. That’s fake news.

(I look over at Kelly, who is looking out the window wistfully)

Me: What about Kavanaugh?

Trump: He’s a great guy. All the women are liars. They like me because I’m famous and rich. They let you grab their p…Me: So how do you think Jared is doing in bringing peace to the Middle East?

Trump: Jared’s always overseas. He doesn’t work here in Washington. We’re going to build golf courses and hotels in the Middle East and Puerto Rico. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t like CNN. Obama did it.  Crooked Hillary!

Me: Do you feel Don Jr. may be in legal trouble?

Trump: I don’t know him.  Coffee boy?

Me: How about your response to the hurricanes?

Trump: Obama screwed up, and Hillary helped him. They were both on the Russian payroll. I have a big thing coming out about this, but I can’t tell you now. Lock her up!

Me: I thought you said Russia was our friend?  So why is it bad if they were on the Russian payroll?

Trump: My book sold more than Bob Woody’s book. It was all lies.

Me: When will you tell us about what Obama and Hillary did?

Trump: In a few months. When I think about it.  It’s all top secret.  I haven’t told Russia yet.

Me: Is this like your big secret to putting an end to Isis?

Trump: You know anything about Isis? I don’t. I never said that. I never said that.  There are good people on both sides.

Me: That’s what you said about Charlottesville.

Trump: (stares blankly)

Me: What is your concept of the role of the President?

Trump: I’m doing a great job. The greatest in history. No one’s laughing at me like they laughed at Obama. No one laughs at me. I’m more of a war hero than McCain.  I went to a military academy.  I’m running the government like a business. No one laughs at me. I was making a joke. They didn’t laugh. Someone put a noise on the soundtrack. It was fake news. No one laughs at me.

Me: And again, what about all this Russia and mob stuff?

Trump: (to Kelly) Kelly, tell her she’s fired.  (walks out of the room muttering “no collusion”)

Kelly: You can’t fire her, she doesn’t work for you Mr. Pre… he’s gone. (sighs) You can’t do anything with him.

(sound of ghostly chuckling coming from the couch)

 

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