No intelligent life down here


I knew it.

I knew it because I have lived in Illinois all my life, right through 3 convicted governors and one who at the moment is merely disgraced, but refuses to recognize it.

I knew it because the State Legislature has been in the hospital being treated for total paralysis for the last 8 years. At least.

What do I know? I know all about The Illinois politicians’ Maybe-If-We-Do-Nothing-It-Will-Go-Away syndrome.

That’s all we ever get from politicians in this state: nothing. They all seem to think they have been elected for their debating skills; certainly none — not even Blagojevich — has the balls to claim it’s because of their brains. As a matter of fact, I think he once said something about “testicular virility,” or something. Yep, that’s it — they think with decidedly wrong parts of their bodies, and that obviously doesn’t improve their thinking one bit.

They have one other thing in common: accomplishing nothing. They get elected and then they do doodly-squat except to point fingers at one another and blame each other for getting doodly-squat done.

And so the doodly-squat continues: Blags is still in office, refusing to budge. Lisa Mad-again, the Attorney General, made a really stupid attempt to get the (also do-nothing) state Supreme Court to take him out of office because the charges against him render him the political equivalent of a basket case (yes, the irony here is staggering). The Supreme Court wouldn’t touch it. I have to hand it to Madigan, however — at least she did something, however stupid it turned out to be.

However, there’s a requisite reality check: Lisa Madigan is the ambitious daughter of Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan. Both have ambitions for her to be the next governor of Illinois. This is why she is the only one who has gotten anything done thus far, however stupid it turned out to be. There’s nothing like a carrot dangled in front of the face of an Illinois politician to get them to actively drool. But once the drool stops…nothing.

The Legislature — which is the only thing left at this point — has, predictably, put the whole thing in committee; they’ve convened some sort of inquiry into impeaching the governor. This is a lot further than they usually get, but it still amounts to nothing.

It could be that nothing is all they can do — after all, Blags is still a free man and officially innocent; the Illinois Constitution, perhaps not surprisingly, does not contain a section on How to Get Rid of an Obnoxious Governor. But still, the nothingness is screaming at us because there has been so much of it over the years.

Much to that point, the state Republican party has suddenly decided to believe that the fact that they already have a Republican ex-governor residing in an Indiana prison is beside the point; they are suddenly the Good Guys in White (yes, very White) Hats. They want an election to fill Obama’s senate seat because they think they can get another Republican senator in Washington.

Again it’s reality check time: this bunch rarely gets anything right. They’re the ones who imported a black man from another state (Alan Keyes) to run against Obama during his Senate campaign. This was the right-wing radio nut who didn’t even seem to know where Springfield, the state capitol, was on the map. He lost by a landslide. He lingered in the state for a few months afterward, refusing to accept that he’d lost, but he lost. Any claim to the contrary would be stretching even Illinois reality beyond the snapping point.

Then they ran the notoriously flimsy Judy Barr Topinka, (a.k.a. Judy Twinkletoes) against Blags in the last gubernatorial-election round. The whole nation knows how that one turned out.

So in effect, the state Republican party is doing nothing except being stupid and slinging mud, both of which they are very good at.

The Democrats are doing nothing by debating about doing something, which they are very good at. They do not want an election because it would, they claim, take too long. They can’t seriously be afraid that a Republican would win, but if there’s a real reason for the delay, it’s that they are afraid a Republican would win.

Actually all of this is little better than some of what Blags has gotten in trouble for. Didn’t he say something similar to, “I’ve got this bleepin’ thing and it’s bleepin’ valuable, and I’m going to get something out of it”? Do you see anything different in the preceding paragraphs?

And so it goes. Blah, blah, blah off into eternity. They just might vote themselves another pay raise, but one thing’s for sure: they will accomplish nothing else. They’re just too friggin good at it.